Happy New Year (2013)

I hope you enjoyed many portions of a fermented beverage of your preference this holiday season. Here's to a wonderful new year! I'm writing more content for the blog and the next article should be along soon!

Honesty Time

Now comes the most difficult part of acting like a Man: admitting that you're not there yet. I know one, maybe two real Men in my acquaintance. If you're reading this and you think you're already living like a Man, the odds are you're in denial.

Let's all be honest. Look at the archetypes and figure out where you fall in. This is important. Self-actualization and the ability to think critically about how you act is essential in the process of bettering yourself. You need to be open to the idea that you can improve.

I end up somewhere between a Dude and a Gentleman. I cling to some hobbies that I enjoy because I think they're "cool" and that other guys would find impressive. I wear graphic t-shirts. My wardrobe still needs some help. I'm hung up on obsolete behaviors dictated by etiquette.

So, wait, how am I qualified to write this blog?! I'm sure this may sound a little like the emperor has no clothes. Admitting that I don't meet my own definition of manhood may appear to be a case of, "do what I say, not what I do," and to be fair, it is. The important thing to remember here is that "Being a Man" isn't just about reaching that peak; it's about the journey. Men aren't a constant. We are continually reforged, renovated, and improved to respond to new challenges and the evolution of our species.

Five thousand years ago, a real Man was the one who could swing a club the hardest. The Men knew where to hunt and how to attract the best mates. As civilization established itself, outstanding males developed new traits. The definition of Man will always be a product of its age.

One of my favorite words is "Zeitgeist" which means, "the spirit of the age" or, "the way of now." The Man exists in the Zeitgeist. He is aware that there can always be an improved man, or a more perfect man. That knowledge fires ambition and fosters a desire to reach for that idealized existence. The measuring stick is the same as it always was: to stand above the din of mediocrity and excel on every level.

By exploring the archetypes of males, we've identified where the lack of ambition, understanding, or self-awareness have crippled men and kept them from reaching their potential. We've also given ourselves the opportunity to see these shortcomings in ourselves. The next step is to fix those problems and establish ourselves as better, "realer", Men.

If this strikes you as too philosophical, or even religious, don't be alarmed. Part of being a Man is addressing some of the existential questions of life... over a neat glass of whiskey with a cigar in the other hand. Refining yourself isn't all drudgery and toil. Opening your eyes to the best that the world has on offer is a deeply enjoyable experience. As a Man you expect these things, and rightly so. Your entitlement to a finer lifestyle has nothing to do with your gender, but rather how you've chosen to present yourself to the world.

Stand up and take note, Earth. We are Men, and we are excellent!

Male Archetypes - Blokes, Gentlemen, and Boys

Sometimes it's hard to fit a man into a definitive category. At other times, it's obvious where someone falls on the Man scale.

Blokes are a category of Men that I felt needed to be distinct from Dudes or Guys. Again, because my blog is directed at an American audience, I feel the need to explain something. I know that "bloke" is British slang and means roughly the same as "guy" or "dude." However, in the context of my blog, I'm using it to denote a specific type of male, just as I've used "dude" and "guy." I'm in no way suggesting that these definitions are somehow a part of the meaning of the word, I'm simply using terms that we all know as a way to associate characteristics with titles that I find appropriate.

If that sounded like an apology, it's only because of how I'm about to describe Blokes and I don't want anyone to be confused and assume that "bloke" means something negative in common usage. Just understand that my definition of a Bloke is specific to the purposes of this blog.

Blokes are a step down the ladder from Dudes and Guys. Everyone has a Bloke in their circle of friends. He's the one who never made much of themselves, career-wise, but he can hold his liquor and tells great stories. He may be met with consistent failure when attempting to hook up with girls but, either through frequent consumption of liquid courage, or staggering levels of self-delusion, he is undaunted in that pursuit. Their foiled success could be the result of poorer-than-standard hygiene, or a style of dress that would make Dudes look co-ordinated. Blokes have no fashion sense. They can barely dress themselves. They frequently pair sandals with sweatpants or baggy cargo pants with football shirts. Nothing fits them correctly. Blokes are a walking, talking, mess of clothes and shaggy hair.

Blokes often sport the neck beard or the "6 days since my last shave" look. They sometimes opt to grow out their facial hair but it is a wildly unkempt display of patchy underbrush. Blokes with poor vision always wear glasses. Contacts require too much effort to maintain and Blokes are all about the path of least... strike that... no resistance.

A Bloke can't tell good food from bad. However, they believe that quantity always means "better." Blokes can only maintain a social life by ingratiating themselves with a group of Guys and Dudes who keep them around for a laugh. A Bloke may often volunteer as the designated driver for trips to the pub, thereby solidifying his membership in a group of friends.

Blokes are often computer geeks. They like video games. They LARP. They aren't distinctly anti-social, but they often find it difficult to adhere to societal standards for behavior. They often see themselves as rebels or underground heroes. Blokes love movies, and movie trivia, and they feel that this is their best conversation starter. In fact, they will find ways to bring movies in any discussion they have, whether that means "reviewing" their latest film experiences or using obscure movie quotations to impress the room with their extensive knowledge of cult hits like Boondock Saints.

Blokes aren't Men. They lack the basic skills to behave like Men even though they are able to interact with them. To be fair though, Men are usually too well-mannered to expel Blokes from their circle of friends. Blokes are mostly harmless and often useful when attempting to select a movie to see. Know the Bloke's tastes in film and use that to judge their opinions.

We should, at this point, talk about Gentlemen. They are incredibly close to being Men, but they still miss the mark on a few important points. First, they lack the ability to define themselves. Everything they do has been taught to them, either by their mothers or by a book on etiquette written in the last century. This is a weakness as it only prepares them to deal with others who have read the same books! In reality, the world has changed and society is evolving. A modern Man must be capable of adjusting his behaviors to adapt to his social environment. This means understanding who he is, why he acts the way he does, and how that affects how others perceive him.

Second, a Gentleman only acts out of obligation to a set of rules that have been given to them. A Gentleman's mannerisms aren't prompted by an interest in self-enrichment, they are simply what has become expected of him. This places the Gentleman in a difficult position where he fears change or growth and is unable to adapt to situations.  What happens if a woman opens a door for him? The Gentleman is stunned and falters for a solution. He may gape or shift awkwardly before mumbling an apology for a slight he hasn't committed in anyone's eyes but his own. If others are around he may step to the side and let another person pass through the door in his stead. He may decline the woman's polite gesture and insist that she go through the door first. Worse yet, he may step to the side and take the handle of the door from her without any explanation. This doesn't sound very gentlemanly, but classic training in etiquette makes a lot of assumptions about behavior and gender roles that fail you when trust into an unscripted situation.

To their credit, Gentlemen are usually well dressed. They have been taught to take pride in their appearance. While their sense of style may be dated or incomplete, it is more than enough to afford them a presentable wardrobe, equipped for most events where smart attire is required.

Gentlemen are well-read. They are familiar with most of the great classics and are suitably skilled in the areas of geography, history, and some of the sciences. They are educated enough to hold a conversation on subjects that they may not be expert in. This is beneficial since their training in etiquette has taught them to show interest in the careers and hobbies of others when engaging in polite conversation. Asking informed questions is key in that regard.

These guidelines are actually valuable, and I agree than every Man should adhere to the rules of etiquette in most situations. However, etiquette is inflexible and the strength of a Man is adaptability. Understand the classic rules of behavior but blend them into a modern existence. It's a simple statement, but challenging to execute. Gentleman may have a solid head start, but any male can get there with enough determination and a little help. 

Boys are a different kind of male from anything else that we've looked at so far. They have the tendency to develop into Gentlemen or Bros, which may seem like opposing ends of the spectrum, but are actually closer than you may think.

Boys are males who were sheltered by their mothers in childhood. Their early development was closely monitored and guided with an attentive, feminine hand. Boys have existed with a close dependency on instruction and approval from their mothers. This leads to an adult life that is rather devoid of the skills to make decisions for themselves. This manifests in one of two ways: a continued relationship of dependency with their mother or another strong, female figure, or a compulsion to seek the approval of others through showiness.

Boys can become Gentlemen if they are trained in the ways of etiquette. Most of the time, they remain as Boys. Males in their 30s who spend time with their mother's regularly, never disagree with them (to their faces) and still wear the same brands or styles that their mothers dressed them in, are Boys. Boys can also go the other way, seeking style advice from flamboyant, self-obsessed males, who lead them down the path to becoming a Bro. Both are equally sad.

Boys tend to remain as bachelors well into their 40s. They often select a mate pending the approval of their mothers. Usually, a Boy's spouse will replace their mother, providing the same force of will and tender care that he's grown to rely on. Boys are incredibly stunted in their development into Men, and getting them the rest of the way is a challenge akin to climbing Everest. However, we will do what we can to provide a path to that summit.

These are the major archetypes of men, as I see them. I may refine these definitions as I continue to build this blog, but I believe this covers the basics. 

Male Archetypes - Dudes and Bros

Every man likes to think that he is unique, but as we're learning, we tend to fall easily into identifiable categories. Today we'll examine the archetypes that I like to refer to as Dudes and Bros.

Dudes are self-confident men with a sense of style that they pulled from a magazine which probably also features modified cars. Dudes have "cool" hobbies like, snowboarding, motocross, or playing in a band. They drink beer -- mostly lager, but sometimes Guinness if they want to seem cooler -- and hang out in sports bars. They enjoy sports as much as Guys, but they aren't quite Sports Guys, because that isn't "cool". They may wear a vintage ballcap out of the house or adorn themselves with a hockey jersey while they're at home, but they steer clear of logo sweatshirts.

Dudes often have facial hair which they pride themselves on. Typically you'll see the gotee or soulpatch in a meticulously trimmed presentation, but Dudes will sometimes go for the wolverine or a full out beard just because it feels cool and unique. Dudes wear sunglasses often. They buy designer brands, but stick to classic names like Ray-Ban and don't go near the trendy D&G frames. They aren't afraid of fashion, but they would rather wear something that they believe states something about their self image. That's why they wear leather jackets, wallets that attach to their belts with chains, and boots more often than sneakers.

Dudes collect things. I'm not talking about comic books or baseball cards. No, that would be too nerdy for a Dude. They collect shot glasses, or car parts, or skateboards. Dudes see value in objects that compliment their hobbies.

So why don't Dudes qualify as Men? Do be honest, they are well on their way. Their ability to identify and integrate style into their clothing choices is a benefit. Yet, they tend to miss the mark by filling their wardrobe with graphic t-shirts, hoodies, and acid wash, boot-cut jeans. Dudes have a lot of t-shirts. They buy them compulsively to commemorate life events or express new interests that they developed. The time to retire your Warped Tour 1998 t-shirt was 5 minutes after you left that festival. Also, no one needs to see that you support West Coast Choppers by having their logo emblazoned onto your chest. The Superman logo t-shirt isn't as cool as you think.

Dudes can make style choices, but they too often make the wrong ones. But once you know the rules of style that apply to Men, you can quickly adapt. To be fair, and entirely honest, I have some t-shirts that I hesitate to give up. They have graphics on them. I wear them from time to time because they are comfortable. Being a Man doesn't mean that you have to wear a blazer to do yard work. There's still plenty of call for jeans and t-shirts in a Man's life. However, it shouldn't be your default attire and it certainly shouldn't be what you're wearing when you go out.

That brings us to Bros. Oh, Bros. You are, in my opinion, the worse examples of the male gender. Bros cover a broad spectrum from Gym Rats to Club Douches and right on down to Beach Idiots. Where do I even begin?

Bros, at their core, are in love with themselves. They cannot hold down a long-term relationship because their ego intrudes too far into the space in their brains where most people house empathy. Everything they do stems from their desire to advertise their own greatness. They work on their bodies incessantly. Bros can be found at the gym daily or, if they're really serious, they have gym equipment at home. 

They wear muscle t-shirts and tanktops that are too small. Cargo pants, shorts, or designer sweatpants are a favorite too. However, when they go out to the club, they dress to impress. They buy big label clothing. They don't actually posses taste, they simply buy what's expensive and comes in black or some bright color that they like... usually yellow or pink. Bros have extensive wardrobes, filled with Ed Hardy t-shirts, True Religion jeans, Affliction polos, and the rest is Abercrombie & Fitch. Younger Bros may also try to pull off Hollister.

Beyond the clothing, Bros put a lot of effort into grooming poorly. They use what should be illegal quantities of hair product to force their bangs 8 inches into the air. Some of them sport facial hair in the form of a skinny gotee or the detestable "chin strap" beard. I was literally shaking my head as I typed that last bit.

Bros tan. Most of them try to do it naturally by hanging out on the beach all summer long, but more often than not, nature is not up to the task of charring their skin as darkly as they'd prefer, so artificial means are employed. Spray tans are the popular choice of the Bro on the go, where as unemployed, or lightly employed Bros will use a tanning bed before or after one of their two daily trips to the gym.

Bros play Call of Duty on Xbox360. Video games aren't, in themselves, un-manly, but there's a certain juvenile thrill attached to Call of Duty that draws Bros in droves. It probably feeds their competitive nature and gives them the opportunity to "own" their rivals, again proving to themselves what they already know: "I'm great!"

Why aren't Bros "Men"? A Man is concerned about his appearance, but not showy. A Man conducts himself in a manner that conforms to societal norms for "respectable". A Man embraces his natural skin tone and the hair that has been given to him. He does not attempt to alter his body by way of tanning elixirs, hair coloring solutions or gels. Bros are insecure in who they are underneath the muscles and overpriced t-shirts, so they over-compensate. A Man is self-assured, but not cocky. This puts Bros on the wrong side of self-confidence.

Dudes and Bros are, in many ways, males who have lost their way on the path to manhood. I'm not qualified to comment on the childhood missteps that may have lead them in this unfortunate direction, but I can say that their continuation in the lifestyle they've grown into is a sign of non-conformity as a defense mechanism. They are attempting to garner love, appreciation, or respect from their peers by creating for themselves a larger-than-life persona. This charade is flimsy and easily falls to pieces when compared to a real Man, as we'll see. 

Male Archetypes - The Guy

Men exist in gradations of manliness with unique traits along the scale. Today we'll examine one of the common archetypes of the male: the Guy.

Guys are the most common form of males you'll see. They're almost generic in their presentation. They are easy to overlook, they're inoffensive, and most likely to have a lot of friends. Most males who fall into the Guy category assume they're "doing ok." They don't see themselves as douchebags, so they figure they're better than the bottom-feeders. They usually aren't "pretty boys" but they're ok with that. Most Guys are glad they don't look and act like Jude Law, but beyond that, they don't really have any men that they model themselves after.

Guys dress for utility and comfort. They are presentable in most situations, but when called upon to "dress up" for an occasion, at best they look like frightened dog with too much hair gel and an ill-fitted jacket or, at worst, they simply wear a button-up t-shirt with the fewest stains.  In general, Guys have no idea what fashion trends are and they don't care. The suit that their parents purchased for them in high school is probably still in their closet, "just in case." If disaster strikes, they'll try to put that thing on, and when that fails, they'll make the best whatever they already have that fits.

Guys are oblivious to the virtues of better dressing. They can't wrap their heads around why you'd want to wear a shirt with a collar that isn't a polo t. That's not to say that they are stupid, they just don't see clothing as a priority.

In the world of dating and courtship, most women will settle for a Guy. Some women even prefer Guys for the fact that they'll usually go along with just about anything with minimal complaining. The frustration comes in when a woman tries to re-style her Guy. That never works out well. The Guy will begrudgingly wear whatever he's told for the absolute minimal time necessary to escape nagging. Period. Full stop.

Within the sphere of Guys, there are a few sub-groups. Sports Guys, Nice Guys, and Shy Guys.  

Sports Guys are similar to what we've described above, with the added bonus of a [insert sport here] shirt being their default attire... for every occasion.  Sports Guys tend to be the least desirable category of Guys, from the perspective of women as they are less likely to agree to activities that interfere with the consumption of sport.

Nice Guys are just modified versions of the basic Guy, with the addition of a very annoying personality quirk: deliberate niceness. They pride themselves on "not being jerks" to women and they are constantly adjusting their actions based on this self-awareness. Nice Guys think they have a leg up over the competition, but they don't. They are crippled by their insecurities and their compulsion to conform themselves to whatever they think women want them to be. They will wear the hideous sweater that their girlfriend bought them all the time. They will walk the absurd little dog through the neighborhood so their wife doesn't have to. Sorry, Nice Guys. You're still doing it wrong.

Shy Guys are an odd sub-group. They want to be Nice Guys, but they lack the ambition. They exist in a world where they admire women from a distance. They are perpetually stuck in the "friend zone." Ironically, because they are seen as "inferior" by most other male archetypes, they often have more female friends than male friends. Shy Guys are frequently mistaken for being gay. The Shy Guy eventually evolves into a Nice Guy or remains a bachelor for life.  These Guys could still be men, but they have a lot farther to go.

That's the Guy category. If you're honest with yourself, and you fit this archetype, don't dismay. Actually, you're probably not dismayed. You most likely think you're doing fine. However, if this has caused you to question your manliness, take heart! We're setting out on a journey to become better men together!

Introduction part 6 - Experience/Choice: Food, Drink & Activities

Part of being a man is knowing, not only what you like to eat and drink, but being able to identify quality. Developing your tastes is a process and sometimes age does make a difference. Good food and "flavored" food aren't often the same thing. Similarly, when it comes to drink, if it tastes accessible it probably isn't cultivated for a discerning palate. Does that mean, if you hate the taste of scotch that you can't be a man? Well, no. You should learn to like the taste of whiskey, let's get that out of the way right now, but if you don't, that's not the end of the world. Be aware that part of the journey of becoming a man is about opening your mind to new experiences and even retrying failed ones. For example, if you've tried scotch once and determined that you don't like it, you're wrong. There are more than 90 distilleries producing single-malt scotch whiskey right now. That means that there are thousands of variants of single-malt scotch for you to try. That's just one small group in the even broader category of whiskey.

Simply put, you cannot determine your tastes so absolutely with such a limited sampling. There are plenty of whiskeys that I cannot stand to imbibe. But there are many that I adore. If it sounds like a lot of trial and error is in store, you're correct. Don't panic, we'll get there together. We're men.

Activities could have been a category entirely under choice, but I think the experience plays enough of a role that it is a blended attribute. Activities cover a wide range, but let's give two examples right out of the gate: sport and cooking.  Conflicted? Hardly. One is a requirement for being a man and the other is optional, or even unnecessary. I'll bet you just guessed wrong.

Sport is a reasonable distraction for men and women to enjoy in moderation, but for many "guys" it is an all-consuming activity that threatens to define every aspect of their lives from reading to attire to food and drink. Sport should be limited in its intake and fanaticism avoided at all costs. It's valuable to have a working knowledge of most sports, and be able to play, but being a jock was only helpful in high school and doesn't make you a man anymore.

Cooking, on the other hand, is essential to survival. There's an outdated social expectation that states the role of a man is to be waited upon by a women; they cook and we consume. Well, if you've been raised with that belief and still aspire to it now, you're in big trouble. Again, we can fix this. Being able to cook, and I mean actually prepare food from scratch, is a required skill for any real man. If you're a bachelor and you're surviving off of microwaved dinners, that's not actually living. You're squandering the single man's dream. Stop! Learn to cook! We'll work on this.

Those are the basics. We'll be exploring more of this as time goes on. This blog is open-ended and I have no idea when this guide, as it were, will be complete. Let's begin!

Introduction part 5 - Presentation/Choice : Grooming, Attire & Accessories

These categories will be examined individually in time. If "presentation" is a foundation of manliness, then Grooming, Attire, and Accessories are the ground floor. Of all the rules of being a man, these could be the most important, and the most commonly overlooked. "Guys" are notorious for bad or incomplete grooming. "Dudes" usually have no sense of style, or have one that is obsolete by fifteen years. "Boys" were clothed by their mothers until they were 16 and from then on were left floundering in an ill-fitted t-shirt and jeans for the rest of their lives. Worse still are the "Blokes" who think they have a style that expresses themselves. Their wallet on a chain, or vintage chucks aren't as distinct or ironic as they think and they end up looking like someone trying too hard.

There are so many ways that grooming and clothing yourself can go wrong. The good news is that doing it right is very simple. There are a few rules to follow, but there's a lot of flexibility to allow you to create a unique look and feel that are your own. Be a man: know the rules and then make your own.